Countdown to the Sexiest Vegan Next Door: Save the Seals

As many of you know, I have been named a finalist in PETA's Sexiest Vegan Next Door contest. The contest has been covered extensively by the Pittsburgh media.  You can vote for me by clicking here. 

In honor of Jayshiv being named a finalist, Jayshiv's Bjournal will be featuring a week-long series of posts on various animal rights issues, until voting for the contest closes. There are 7 days left to vote. Check out our previous post on reasons to go vegan.

There are countless incidents of cruelty against animals which happen every day in our world. Today's enemy?

CANADA

While I enjoy hockey, and find its universal healthcare system refreshing, our neighbor to the north has a disgusting habit of encouraging the slaughter of baby seals.  This is troubling for a number of reasons.

Seals were already dumped by Heidi Klum... Haven't they
suffered enough? Do we really need to club their babies too?

1. It is gruesome. 95% of the seals killed for pelts are babies. How many of these seals could have grown up and recorded number one hits?
Or dated supermodels? Or both? We may never know.

2. It is economically inefficient. The demand for seal pelts has plummeted, yet the industry is still supported by politicians because it is in a region that has a lot of swing votes. How do I know that our global economy isn't dependent on this industry, and will crumble without it? I studied economics for four years at Northwestern University. No one mentioned Seal Pelts even once.

3. Nobody even wants Seal Pelts. These have been out of fashion for years. In fact, deciding to boycott seal pelts was one of the first things I ever did, when I was just a few seconds old.

Even Russia, the former number one importer of seal pelts, has banned the trade. This is particularly notable given Russia's traditionally terrible fashion sense; if even they won't wear it, you know it is out of fashion.

Even this typical Russian man thinks seal pelts
" look ridiculous"

4. What if the Seals fight back? I'm all for keeping the number of enemies we have down... and clubbing baby seals is certainly not the way to do that. What if the Seals learn how to fight back? Can you imagine the terror? Treat all life with respect.

A hypothetical situation if Canadian blood-lust
continues. Photo courtesy of PETA

In conclusion, we have learned two things today: 1. Canada's slaughter of baby seals is a true tragedy, and 2. I am indeed the sexiest vegan.

Do something about both issues by voting for me and signing this letter to the King of Canada.

After the Apocalypse: A Bucket List.

Congratulations! Both my blog and you have survived the Mayan Apocalypse. Once again, the Mayans were completely off-target (have you seen their fashion sense?)

No clue why anyone believed someone who dressed like this

Nonetheless, the complete misfire by the Mayans, combined with my recent shoulder dislocation, reminded me of my mortality. As a result, I compiled a bucket list of things I would like to accomplish before I die, because quite frankly, I'm not sure I will be reincarnated as someone so cute.

My first order of business:
Presidential photo shoot!

Become President of the United States: Unfortunately, this seems like a long-shot for a few reasons. First, there has never been an Indian President. Second, I have no political knowledge or experience. In fact, I have little interest in politics at all. I only want to be president so I can make spraying champagne everywhere legal.

Step foot on the Moon: Why do I want to go to the moon? Because I am looking for a cheese source that doesn't involve cruelty to animals.

See Jack Reacher: Seeing this movie is on my to-do list.  It looks good and I'm a big Tom Cruise fan. It really doesn't have anything to do with the end of the world.

I'm assuming moon-cheese is vegan

Spray Champagne Everywhere: This is self-explanatory

Find and Kill Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster: When I was a young lad, I was terrified of these beasts. Years later, I found out they were fictional- I had no reason to be scared. I hate liars. I hate fear. I will have my revenge.

Get a Sandwich Named after Me: I thought I had already accomplished this feat with my famous Peanut Butter and Chutney on Foccacia. Unfortunately, this sandwich had already been named "The Prakash"

Looks like I'll have a lot of work to do to complete this list. In fact, I probably would have had a better chance of doing some of these things had the Apocalypse indeed occurred. It would have been easier to become president of a post-apopalyptic world with fewer legitimate candidates, and few police officers would complain about celebrating surviving the apocalypse with a champagne shower followed by a chutney sandwich (Prakash also would have died, leaving the door open for culinary innovation). 

Jayshiv Does Tech: App Recommendations

While some may argue that having a bunch of high tech devices is completely against my life goal of renouncing all material things, I became addicted to superfluous technology during my brief hipster phase.

There are numerous apps which I use to enhance my daily life. In a recurring feature, I will present to you a few recommendations here. You may notice that there are no games on this list. That is because the only game I care about is the game of life. And the app really doesn't measure up to the original Milton Bradley board game.

Facebook:

Brett Favre's legacy never would have been
tarnished had he read this app review.

While most people have the social networking site already, few people know about a new feature which automatically uploads pics taken to a private album: you can then share the pictures with whoever you want. There is, quite simply, no more convenient way to share intimate pictures with one or multiple love interests.

Snapchat:
While Facebook makes sharing photos easy, it fails in one department: privacy.

For at least decades, men everywhere have wondered how to share sexually explicit photos without leaving a trail of incriminating and disturbing evidence. 

Finally, your prayers have been answered. Snap Chat lets you take a picture and share it with someone for only a few seconds- the message then self destructs, insuring your boo can't share the photos in case your relationship doesn't work out.

Sincerely, Ink:

While Snap Chat is a great option for sharing explicit photos, I think there is an old school charm to taking an inappropriate Polaroid and mailing a physical copy to your sweetheart- just like the good old days, before smart phones existed. This app simplifies that process by mailing a physical postcard of a photo to whoever you choose to fail to impress.

That's it for my app review. While this is mostly just a list of ways to share lewd photos, I ask my critics: what else is a smartphone for?

Jayshiv's Guide to Ending a Relationship

It's everyone's favorite time of the year- the holiday season. For most people, that means two weeks of egg nog, family fun, hot chocolate and mistletoes. But for celebrity heartthrobs, like me and Justin Bieber, it means something quite different: relationship doom.

But why?

Taylor Swift wonders why everyone breaks up
with her, yet puts in little effort by donning
hideous pajamas in her music video

I'm glad I asked. Christmas time really gets us thinking about what's important in life. Look at your partner- unless you have a thing for drug addicts, daredevils, cougars, or someone else likely to die way before you, chances are you will have to spend the rest of your life with him/her unless you end it now.

And even if you do think you've found your life partner, nobody wants to buy gifts, so you might as well break up temporarily anyways.

But how do you break up easily while keeping your good guy image? Luckily for you, I've created this handy BREAK UP GUIDE to help!

THE GUIDE:

TIP 1: Pull the trigger first
Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez, Taylor Swift and whoever she was dating, and Mark Sanchez and Eva Longoria have all already called it quits this holiday season. The lesson: everyone is looking to end a relationship right before Christmas. Since your significant other is likely one of the other three people reading this blog, you need to break up first so you don't look like the loser in the relationship.

Justin Bieber clearly didn't read my guide to break ups.

TIP 2: Make Up a Phenomenal Reason Why
If you're reading this post, so far your reasons for breaking up are (1) You don't want to go shopping and (2) Mark Sanchez did it. While these are logical reasons to me and you, chances are your soon-to-be-crushed significant other won't be so understanding. You need a better reason.
People have heard all the cliches already, so I recommended getting creative by borrowing from a movie plot. Maybe you have to go back in time to save the world like in Back to the Future. Or maybe you just found out you are a wizard and don't want to date a muggle because you're a Slytherin, like in Harry Potter. Just don't make the same mistake I did and borrow the plot from Twilight- girls love vampires.

TIP 3: Make sure you either get all your stuff back now or try to emotionally detach yourself from those possessions. 

I once stayed in a relationship in the '90s for several months longer than I wanted because I didn't want to lose some pogs.

TIP 4: Break-Up in Public
Breaking up in public is usually recommended so your new ex can't go psycho and attack you. But it also has the added benefit of creating a public spectacle- this will create a scene and draw people towards you. And trust me, you will need all of the friends you can get, because now you are all alone.

Renouncer Lifestyle

In Sannyasa, the fourth and final stage of the Hindu life, an individual withdraws from the physical world to engage in meditation and spiritual pursuits. The final goal, moksha, is true enlightenment and release from the prisons of the material world.

Unfortunately, in today's world, we are more dependent on material needs than ever. As a result, I have decided to start the renouncing things immediately- this way, I will be able to slowly give up one thing at a time until I am just an old dude living naked in the woods- the true goal of everyone's life.

I have been meditating on whether or not to
renounce my use of the word "bro"

First, I gave up meat- a challenge, but, now I feel healthier and more spiritually enriched than ever. Then, I renounced eating animal products- becoming a vegan and taking one more step towards elusive enlightenment. I then gave up smoking cigarettes- this one was particularly easy because I never smoked.

I have also renounced dishonesty, buying unnecessary clothing, and The Bachelor, although Bachelor Pad is still fair game.

But now, I need your help. I have reached a spiritual standstill- a new year is looming, and I am unsure what to renounce next. Take the poll to the right of the page or write in to jayshiv@gmail.com with your own suggestion to help guide me.

Living in the Moment

In his hit film, Kal Ho Na Ho, Bollywood Superstar Shahrukh Khan taught us to make the most of the current moment- because who knows, Kal Ho Na Ho (tomorrow may not come).

This film led to an exponential increase in unintended pregnancies.

Go for it!: SRK's films invoke spontaneity, but
 irresponsibly fail to educate about safe sex.

Going Green With Jayshiv: Reasons to turn Vegan

For the past 8 months, I have been living on a clean, Vegan diet. While there are many compelling arguments to go Vegan, I wanted to share my personal reasons with the loyal readers of Jayshiv's Bjournal.

Save the Animals
I believe we are all reincarnated- sometimes as animals. I also have little faith in the concept of time; time is a constrict of the physical world. While I hope to only be reincarnated as myself, Shah Rukh Khan, or dragons, there is a chance I will be reincarnated as an animal- and, because I don't believe in time, that animal might be living right now. By refraining from eating meat, I ensure that I am not responsible for my own murder in another life.

Although I'm sure I would be delicious.

Less Prostitutes
Giving up meat can help one live a cleaner life and give up other vices as well. When asked about why he became vegan, Mike Tyson responded:
"Too many prison cells, too many jails, too many lawsuits, too many bankruptcies, too many women, too many venereal diseases, too many everything! I got tired … of every time my prostitute girl got back from a trip I had to sleep with her. I’m going to live a different life."
While I can't promise you that going vegan will prevent VDs or cure your problem with prostitutes, it certainly can't hurt.

Stop Global Warming
Everyone is terrified of global warming- pushing for hybrid and fuel efficient vehicles. But did you know, according to the UN, that raising animals for food causes more emissions of greenhouse gasses than all cars, planes, trains, and ships combined? The only thing that causes more global warming than livestock is livestock driving vehicles with poor carbon emissions.

A nightmare for the environment

 

Better Health
There has been research that has shown vegan diets reducing the risk of hyperlipidemia, cardiovascular disease, cancer (breast, colon, prostate), and diabetes. And,while the data is lacking, I believe that my vegan diet has also protected me from various fictional diseases, like that thing Iron Man has that forces him wear a battery instead of a heart and cooties.

Unable to turn to his usual staples of
 whipped cream and chocolate for ethical
 reasons, Jayshiv has been forced to get
 creative with his bedroom food choices

End World Hunger
Making meat is simply inefficient: every calorie of beef protein takes 78 calories of fossil fuel to make- each calorie of soy protein takes just one calorie of fossil fuel to make. I realize this would be more compelling if fossil fuel tasted better.

I Hate Paneer
This one is pretty self explanatory 

Better for the Environment
We touched on global warming above, but the impact of livestock on the environment cannot be overstated: 90% of deforestation is to create land for livestock, and thousands of tons of livestock feces pollute water sources. While this water problem could be solved by potty-training the animals, the simpler solution is to just go vegan.

Bill Clinton told me to do it
Bill Clinton really spoke well at the Democratic National Convention- I plan on blindly voting for Obama just because Clinton was so eloquent. Clinton is vegan and had a very public scandal, so it is only appropriate we do those things as well.

There you have it- my case for saving the planet, hundreds of animals a year, and your own health. If you're not ready to go full on Vegan, you can check out my compelling reasons to go vegetarian in this article .

Fashion Faux Pas

Sometime, I just don't get it. What is with all these white people everywhere? Labor day was over a month ago!

Dream Job: Boy Band

At this point in my life, I am just a few short years away from making my Dream Job of being a doctor a reality. But throughout my life, I often considered taking the road less traveled (by Indian people). In a recurring piece, Jayshiv's Bjournal will take a look at possible dream jobs that I was oh so close to pursuing. Enjoy the possibilities.

Boy Band 

The emergence of new, British Boy bands has made me remember the times when N'Sync, Backstreet Boys, and even LFO ruled the radio airwaves, and not just my "Most Played" iTunes playlist.

I'm glad I didn't join a boy band. Where is Howie now?

When I mention that I once dreamed of being in a Boy Band, people are quick to point out that I can't sing. But the truth of the matter is, attitude and marketing is really all that it takes to make it big today. I have that attitude, and my computer has the autotunning abilities to make me a star. So why didn't I join a boy band?

Every boy band has several members: A hearthrob, a Bad boy, a shy/quiet one, and a guy who is probably gay.

I have the dashing looks and charm to be a boy band lead. I also have the natural swagger and devil-may-care attitude to play the perfect bad-boy. My boyish good looks and innocence would make me the perfect sheltered sweetheart. And I'm eccentric enough that questions about my sexuality would probably arise.

I simply couldn't decide which persona to embody. And that is why I decided to be a doctor. 

The Olympics

It has been ten days since the end of one of the world's most overrated celebrations: the much-hyped summer Olympics. I offer my congratulations to the United States on winning the most medals- America really needed a win right now.

My problem with the Olympics is that there is no truly universal game; thus, it is unfair to have nations compete when some have inherent advantages. Wealthy nations with the resources to play luxury games benefit. I don't believe that we should be celebrating countries who have enough resources that they can just waste their time playing handball or getting really good at shooting air-rifles.

That is why I propose we make the following changes for Rio 2016- the following substitutions make the events more universal, and thus even the playing field. They will also make the games more exciting to watch:

Imagine how much fun she
 would be having after 6 Natty Lights

Current Sport: Ping Pong

Proposed Sport: Beer Pong

Yes, ping pong is fun. But it is perhaps the most lopsided sport in Olympic history; out of 28 possible gold medals, 24 have been won by China. Big Surprise.

Meanwhile, countries with less access to Ping Pong tables, like Yugoslovia, have remained medal-less. Let's even the playing field and make the game more exciting to play and watch, by adding beer.

Current Sport: 4x100 Relay
Proposed Sport: Flip Cup

We get it: Jamaican people are fast. We don't need 15 different races to tell us that. Sprinting is an ancient tool originally designed to escape danger, like wooly mammoths. In this day and age, sprinting is really pretty useless; that is why they should replace it with flip cup- a sport which tests both the ability to control substances and manual dexterity.

Don't think she'll be celebrating after drawing a ten.
 Categories is my specialty. 

Current Sport: Horse Racing

Proposed Sport: King's Cup

Horse racing is the "game of kings." The problem: monarchies are an outdated political system. I believe that we should have a democracy: and thus vote on a new "king's sport." In my one man vote, king's cup was the champion.
Plus, I really want to play never have I ever with the dutch field hockey team.

Well, that's it for my olympic substitutions. With these changes, we can level the playing field and make the olympics more than just an excuse for the rich to get richer. We can truly give the world the celebration of sport and accomplishment that it deserves. Also everyone will be drunk.

Monday Mailbag: It's not the age, it's the mileage...

Every Monday, I'll answer a mailbag question from my loyal readers...


Dear Jayshiv,


There is this girl on my Indian Dance team that is really cute, but she is much younger than me! If I'm 24, how young of a girl can I date? Help! I don't know what to do!


Thanks for your expertise,


- Rahul K


Dear Rahul K,

There is a very simple rule for determining how young of a girl you can date and it still be culturally acceptable: Take half your age, and add 7 years to it. Thus, if you are 24, you can date a 19 year old.

This rule created big problems for me when I started dating at the age of 2, and was forced to date women at least 6 years older than me.

Madhuri Dixit (Pictured Left), was just one of many older women
romantically linked to a young Jayshiv (Right)

I think that partially explains my love of cougars.

You're Welcome,

Jayshiv

 Send your questions to jayshiv@gmail.com for your chance to be featured in the mailbag!

How I want to go out

Two weeks ago, Whitney Houston passed away. The loss of a young woman who has touched millions of people with her music is truly tragic.

Whitney Houston will smile on my
party from the heavens

Almost as tragic is the rather ho-hum way which she went; she was found dead in a hotel room. For someone who lived a fantastic life in the spotlight, Whitney's death was more boring than the NBC dud situational comedy Whitney.

When I die, it is going to be spectacular. You are going to get your money's worth, assuming I can successfully predict when I will die, and organize a way to charge people admission for the event. Anyways, here is the scenario I have planned out in my head. Keep in mind this is a rough draft.

The Scene: July 30th, 2087. My hundredth birthday party, held at the hottest spot in Vegas. We live in a grim future where biotechnology has allowed evil clones to take over the world.

The party turns sour when I get into an argument with a bunch of NBA all stars over mathematics (all NBA players are Asian following the rise of Jeremy Lin in 2012). The party then gets crashed by an army of futuristic, communist clones of Hitler, Osama Bin Laden, and their leader: a real-life incarnation of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles nemesis- The Shredder, who has somehow been brought to life.

Also crashing the party is a really wasted Anirban, who I had left off the invite list.

After Parag and I defeat Anirban and NBA MVP Jeremy Lin IV in a game of beer pong, I start using the ping pong balls as deadly weapons, single handedly taking out the entire army, leaving me and the Shredder to fight hand-to-hand.

The Shredder on ruining my birthday
and contributing to my death:
"Sorry for Partying, Bro"

I have already suffered many wounds, not to mention probably being really drunk (this is my hundreth birthday party, after all). Nonetheless, I defeat shredder and rescue the most beautiful girl in the world; we kiss passionately while Katy Perry's Firework plays in the background, before I succumb to my wounds.

An afterparty in my memory is held at the Spearmint Rhino. Neil D. gets kicked out for being too rowdy.

Did You Know?

Every time there is a new post on Jayshiv's Bjournal, the website is flooded with hundreds of "hits." The vast majority of these come from me, boosting the view count.

Underrated Holidays

I had to work in the Labor and Delivery suite last night, ensuring that my zero for twenty four streak on Valentine's Day continued.It's hard not to feel bad for all the baby girls who were born before midnight; they are doomed to a life of getting dumped at the beginning of February so their boyfriends won't have to get them two presents.

The bottom line is Valentine's day is about money and marketing, and not at all about love. There is nothing genuine about cheesy chocolates in anatomically incorrect heart shaped boxes.

I suggest we take it to the card companies and abolish Valentine's day, and instead promote one of these underrated holidays.

Martin Luther King Jr. Day- Yes, I know MLK day is currently "observed" nationally, mainly by people skipping work. But does anyone really celebrate the life of this great visionary who made his dreams a reality? In honor of this man, we should each try to make our own dreams become real on this special day.

I attempted to start this year, but couldn't convince both Rani Mukherjee AND Sheri Shepherd to play strip poker with me and Abe Lincoln.

See you ladies next January 15th!

Martin Luther King Sr. Day- Why should Junior get all the credit? We should also give some props to the man who gave birth and raised a visionary by leading through example. In honor of MLK Sr., every year on his birthday I try to have a child that will one day change the world.

Last Day of Lent- Every year, millions of people give up a vice in order to better themselves, and then, forty days later, agree that the right thing to do is pick that said vice back up. While I don't celebrate Lent, I do celebrate the last day, where I add a new bad habit. This year: shopping addiction!!!

Mars Day- Holidays like Arbor Day, where people plant trees, and Earth Day, where people celebrate the virility of Mother Earth, are quickly gaining popularity as hipsters slowly take over the world. But the Earth has limited resources, and it is only a matter of time before it is uninhabitable. Instead of celebrating a dying planet, I am going to start planning for my future and celebrating our eventual home: Mars, by eating Mars candy bars and watching the 1996 Pierce Brosnon film Mars Attacks!.

How to Name a Baby

I've spent the past week in the Labor and Delivery suite, delivering babies and watching the miracle of new life. While there, I have noticed the trend of people giving their babies crazier and crazier names. Seriously, Nicholas Cage named his kid Kal-El!

What's a new parent to do? Play it safe with something boring, or roll the dice with something unique and almost ensure your kid gets mocked his entire childhood?

No worries, I'm here with my top 5 baby names. You will notice they are all boys names; I plan on only having sons.

5. Tej- In addition to being a phenomenal name, this option gives my son the opportunity to get the nickname T-bone. I always wanted to be called T-bone.

Normally I am a hero- will I be able to
create enough conflict in Raj's life
to make a Bollywood love story?

4. Raj/Rahul- By naming him one of the most common names from typical Shah Rukh Khan love stories, I will help my son start living out his (probable) dream of living a real life Bollywood movie. To help him out further, I will play the typical Bollywood father and disapprove of all of his relationships, be extremely strict, and just create tension and drama in general. Raj Badlani is going to have to sneak around my back for his trip to Switzerland!

3. Tyrell- I always thought it would be really funny to give my kid a name that makes him sound like a completely different race. While carlos is a pretty sweet option, black is the obvious race to go with. In addition to entertaining me, this name will likely strike fear into my son's peers on the playground at the mostly-white prep school he will likely attend.

2. T-bone- This will be both awesome and ironic because he will be vegetarian. 

1. Jayshiv II- I have always thought roman numerals are sweet. The problem is that sequels never quite live up to the original- if this kid is a loser, I can change his name to Popat or something.

Jayshiv's Guide to Choosing a Wife, Part 2

It has been over five years since I first published my criteria for the perfect woman. As you may know, I am still unmarried; most people would blame this ludicrous criteria. However, as I have matured, so has my taste in women. Here is my updated marriage criteria:

Despite being male, former Dancing With
 the Stars champ Hines Ward scored
 perfect 10s in both dancing and inner beauty

10 points- Inner Beauty:  A lot of people think looks are the most important thing in the world. But look around: beauty is common. A great energy and outlook on life are truly what makes someone a catch.

10 points- Dancing Ability: Everyone knows I'm a phenomenal dancer. In fact, one of the main reasons I want to get married in the first place is so I can do a breathtaking Paso Doble at my wedding reception.

5 points- Personality: I have three turn offs: vomiting, Bollywood actors besides Shah Rukh Khan, and, of course, dry conversation.

5 points- Eyes: I spend a significant amount of my time in front of my mirror. Of that time, when I'm not touching up my trend-setting hair, I'm usually staring at myself in the mirror. And of that time, when I'm not staring at my ridic body, I'm usually lost in my own stunning eyes. It will be a nice change of pace if my future wife has beautiful eyes as well.

The lovely Freida Pinto shoots
 herself in the foot by making
 poor eye contact with the camera

9 points- Eye Contact: What's the point of having beautiful eyes if I can't even look into them? In both job interviews and trying to woo me, poor eye contact is pretty much a deal breaker.

10 points- Intelligence: I love having thoughtful, intelligent conversations with my romantic partners. But even more importantly, I envision that my relationship will eventually lead to many couples game nights. I'm a phenomenal artist and actor, so a trivia expert would really make us unbeatable.    

51 points- Outer Beauty

Surprise Parties

Anytime someone I'm close to starts acting strange around me, I assume it is because they are throwing me a surprise party.

That's why it was so devastating when I found out my wife was having an affair.

History Lesson

Everybody knows Chris Columbus was looking for India when he "discovered" America. But most people don't know that he only planned the expedition in the first place because he needed help with his math homework.

Idiot of The Month

All the hype these days is about Harry Potter. Too bad he wasted his entire childhood training to defeat this month's featured moron, Lord Voldemort.

The only thing scary about Death Eaters,
 like Bellatrix Lestrange, is a frightening make-up job

Voldemort's plan sounds easy; (1) kill all the good wizards, and then  (2) use magic to easily take over the world and kill all the muggles. The problem? Even if he hadn't been killed by Harry Potter, Voldy and his wizards wouldn't have stood a chance against us muggles.

Think about it. Given that there are only three wizard schools in Harry Potter, and that one of them is only for girls, there are probably only like a couple thousand wizards in the world who can actually fight. With six billion mudbloods, every evil wizard would have to take out several million people.

Dumbledore says that Voldemort's one true weakness is his "failure to realize that there are things worse than death." In reality, his bigger weakness is his failure to realize that magic doesn't measure up to modern technology. A close second is his dreadful fashion sense. I guess then probably that death thing is third.

Example: Communication is critical in any war. Advantage: Muggles. In the time it takes this bald clown to write a letter using a quill (get a pen) and then sending it to some other idiot by attaching it to an owl, I could send several inappropriate text messages to every girl I've ever met. Imagine how much easier Ron Weasley's seven year seduction of Hermoine Granger would have been if he had been able to pull a Brett Favre and send her pictures of his junk.

Apparently the wizarding world hasn't
discovered Plastic Surgery

Seriously though, even in one-on-one combat, non-magic wins. It's a lot quicker to pull a trigger than say "Avada Kedavra." If Voldemort had beaten Potter, I would have given him one week before some Hillbilly shot him in the face.

Voldemort would have one thing going for him though; the people that he lost to, a 17 year old kid and his homosexual school principal, wouldn't be allowed to fight if it did come down to him vs. the US army.

I'm a Daddy!!

Apparently, Miller Lite's new Taste "Protector" Caps do not work on your penis.

Why did I sign up for this class?

It turns out that Econ 350: Monopoly and Competition is not a giant board game tournament.

Playoff Beard

A lot of people grow out their beards for the Stanley Cup playoffs. The "playoff beard" is one of the most sacred NHL traditions.


I have decided to follow a similar tradition but with my pubes instead.

Porn Name Generator

Everyone knows that you get your porn name by combining the name of your childhood pet with the street you currently live on.

That's why I named my first dog "I Have a Huge Cock."

Unfortunately, my plan backfired when my family moved to "Too Bad It's Disfigured Boulevard"

Superhero Movies

A lot of people are calling The Dark Knight the greatest super-hero movie ever. Those people obviously haven't seen Krrish.

Valtrex

Commercials for Herpes medications try to scare you with facts like "70% of people get genital herpes when their partner is showing no signs or symptoms." That's right- you can get herpes not knowing that your partner has it.
But the real question is: what the hell were the other 30% of people thinking? Do you go to sleep with someone, see the bumps, and go "Oh, what's that? Oh well, let's just do it anyways."

Seriously...

What does Shia LeBeouf have that I don't?

The former Evens Stevens star has struck it big recently with hits like Transformers and Indiana Jones. Meanwhile, I am yet to land a major motion picture in 2008.

I'll give Shia the edge in talent and acting ability. I think we can all agree that I win the Charm category. But my fohawk clearly edges his signature curls for the tiebreaker.

Winner: Jayshiv

Priest of the Month

Shree Param Parameswaran of the Aandalakkumeyyan Temple was awarded the Hindu Prayer Association's Priest of The Month award earlier today by the Associated Press. The 52-year old Parameswaran edged out Sheelu, a spider-tailed monkey from Amritsar, for the award which is given every month to the holiest priest who can pay off a majority of the voting reporters. Parameswaran received 47 of the 48 votes; Sheelu had found a 100 rupee note in a tree.
“This award is long overdue,” Parameswaran announced to a crowd of children and cows. “I’ve been the best priest for years. Burnt the most ghee, smashed the most coconuts, burnt the most mosques. What more can a priest do?” Parameswaran then drank a glass of clarified butter.
“I am the best Hindu priest,” Parameswaran continued. “I’ve read all the Vedas – the Rig Veda, the other Veda, the Veda where Ram wins the Quidditch Cup for Gryffendor. And parts of the Bible. How can I not be at the top of the priest rankings?” There is not now, nor has there ever been, such a ranking system.
This month marks the first time the Priest of the Month award was not won by Jackie Schroff. Although clearly not a priest, Schroff has always been extremely popular.
Asked about his future, Parameswaran said he next plans to “prank some Zoroastrians.” Yash Raj Films has announced that it will be releasing a movie on the life and struggles of Parameswaran later this year, starring Shah Rukh Khan, with Johnny Lever as Sheelu the monkey.

By Shawn and Jay

You know you're Desi when...

1. You are constantly taking off your shoes
2. You are of South Asian descent

Movie Bloopers: The Namesake!

Movie Bloopers: The Namesake!

In Mira Nair’s critically acclaimed film The Namesake, Kal Penn is seen with a seemingly naturally hairless chest during a love scene. However, later on in the film, he is seen with a few curls adorning his less-than-impressive pecs.

Nice try, Mira

I Dropped my Laptop in a Toilet...

...and now I am going to need everyone's e-mail address

My Enemies

I recently realized that I have a lot more enemies than friends. Anyways, here is a VERY INCOMPLETE list of my enemies.

The Pope:
This guy always seemed like a show-off to me, and has continuously attempted to one-up me in attempts to steal my friends. He already has the support of the entire Christian world, yet he has to steal away all of the Awesome Hat enthusiasts as well? What's he going to do next, get a Shah Rukh Khan tattoo?

North Korea:
Now, let me be clear here; I hate the country of North Korea, but not necessarily North Koreans. In fact, I love Koreans; some of my favorite celebrities are on this list of famous Korean people:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Famous_Korean_people
To be honest, I really just think the North Korean flag is a little lame.

Palak Paneer:
Two wrongs don't make a right!

Liz Murray:
A few years ago, lifetime TV did a film about a girl who was homeless and got into Harvard, entitled, "Homeless to Harvard"
http://www.lifetimetv.com/movies/info/move3222.html
Her inspirational story makes my story, "Housed to Northwestern University," both less impressive and less catchy.

Magneto:
Don't get me wrong here; I'm all for mutant rights. But still, Magneto has proven to be a nemesis to society for too long, and his renegade tactics need to be stopped.


That's just five of my enemies, and as soon as Facebook adds an "Enemies" application, I'll add them.
So remember, keep you're friends close, but you're enemies closer, because who knows when you'll need some advice on Christianity

Jayshiv Ranks His Top Five Favorite Restaurants

As a few of you may know, there is more to Jayshiv than just great hair; I also consider myself a world-class food critic. So, after receiving many requests, I decided to share my five favorite eateries.

Number 5- Qdoba
This should come as no surprise to those readers who know that Jayshiv is actually an old Aztec word for "Guacamole lover." This is a fantastic place to grab a bite, but it isn't without its weaknesses; its "Famous Three Cheese Queso" omits my two favorite kinds of cheese, mozzarella and paneer.

Number 4- Taco Bell
Without hesitation, I can say that Taco Bell would be competing for the number one spot if it weren't for the recent E. Coli outbreak. In fact, because of the outbreak, my parents have forbid me from eating at T-Bell. Isn't that ridiculous! This used to be my favorite restaurant, to the point where one time I snuck into the Taco Bell Headquarters and took a bath in a vat of Fire Sauce that was headed to the New York Area with my unwashed hands. Ahhh, I miss it.

Number 3- Don Pablo's
Many people have wondered why I have taken so many chemistry classes in my academic career, when I'm not even majoring in chemistry. The answer? For years I have been trying to understand how it is possible to fry ice cream. I just can't understand how they do it! Wouldn't it melt! Ask me to show you a miracle, and I will take you to Don Pablo's. (Note: This place might have been higher on the list had it not driven my number 6 favorite restaurant, Chi Chi's, out of business).

Number 2- Chipotle
Hey, anytime you can make a burrito that tops 1600 calories, you're probably going to make me very happy and give me an upset stomach. Also, your workers will be overweight, a fact that lost Chipotle points in my rankings system.

Number 1- Baja Fresh
What set Baja Fresh apart from Chipotle, Qdoba, and the rest? Not much; they are all very similar restaurants.

America's Only Weakness

Apparently, NORAD (North American Aerospace Defense Command) tracks Santa by using the same satellites that our Government uses to detect missiles that are launched towards North America.
So, a missile disguised as Santa would not only combine terrorism and holiday cheer, but would also fool our systems and be potentially disastrous.

Trading Games

A fun game to play involves taking something small, like a paperclip or a pen, and trading as many times as possible until you get something really big.
Unfortunartely, the time I tried to play, I could only manage one trade- the paperclip and my virginity for an illegitimate child.

Gay Marriage

One of the most common arguments that anti-gay-marriage groups make is that if we legalize same sex marriages, what's next? Allowing a man to marry a dog?
What those morons don't realize is that even if we did pass a bill allowing men to marry dogs, these marriages would still be impossible due legislation that prevents dogs from marrying anything but other dogs and also most cats.

Jayshiv's Guide To Choosing A Wife

Now, as many of you may know, I have been single for a long time. The reason? I’m just looking for the right girl. In fact, I think it’s safe to say that my tough criteria is THE ONLY reason that I’m a bachelor.

Since no girl seems to be getting it right, I thought I’d share my rating system. Hopefully someone will take a hint, Avik.

Anyways, here we go; the rating system is out of 100 points, and if you score under an 80, I will not look at you romantically unless you can make Chipotle-style Burritos. The reason you scored so low was probably because you got fat from guacamole, and hey, I can relate.

THE RATING SYSTEM:

10 Points- Fairness
Now, hold on a second. Before you go and say “Oh Jayshiv, you chauvinistic Indian boy who will only date light skinned Indians and will push darker Indians to cry because you’re superficial and sort of racist too,” let me explain that when I say “fairness,” I don’t mean skin tone, but rather how fair of a judge the girl is. I mean, I wouldn’t want to be dating Judge Judy! (I realize this system is flawed because Judge Judy would score 10 out of 10, and I am working to fix it.)

15 points- Humor
I want a girl that can make me smile without having to play the Lloyd Banks/G-Unit song I jus wanna see you smile.

15 points- Personality
You know what I hate? When you’re talking to a girl and it’s just like she’s interviewing you and she just keeps on asking you questions about like your work experience and finance, but she doesn’t contribute anything interesting to the conversation herself, and then you find out the next week that J.P. Morgan hired fucking Daniel Liu instead of you anyways.

9 points- Smile
The thing that always catches my eye first is a girl’s ass. Unfortunately, I had to replace it on the ratings system with smile after a mistake involving my good friend Avik last summer.

51 points- Skin tone.

Welcome!

Before I make any actualy posts, I would like to say that my tagline "Deep thoughts from a shallow person" was actually my second choice.
I prefer "Get in my head, because you're already in my heart! :-)"
Unfortunately, this was already taken by Bloggers for Jesus.